Synopsis: Three inter-connected one acts.  In FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND plans are made to mate the husband of a recently deceased friend. In A NIGHT ON THE MOON a hired male escort comes between some ladies during a night on the town.  THE LADIES AT A LATE LUNCH are the two “old friends” speaking their innermost thoughts while never speaking to each other.  2 women, 1 man, simple sets.

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               (quiet organ music; lights up; ELEANOR and LIDDY are seated in a church pew)

ELEANOR:  Don’t you think Henry looks good?

LIDDY:  Oh no. Not today. He looks rather pale.

ELEANOR:  Well sure. He’s in mourning. But even so, he is still a striking man.

LIDDY:  Henry has kept his looks, yes.

ELEANOR:  Yes. Even with that sad face. So handsome.

LIDDY:  Eleanor, I think it’s really bad form to ask the husband out at his wife’s funeral.

ELEANOR:  I wasn’t going to do that. Certainly not!

LIDDY:  Sssshh. Then please, curb your enthusiasm for the bereaved.

ELEANOR:  Don’t sssshh me. I have never asked a man out in my life. They do the asking. I’m very old school that way.

LIDDY:  Good.

ELEANOR:  I wouldn’t even know where to start. Ask a man out.

LIDDY:  Fine.

ELEANOR:  I’m here to pay my respects.

LIDDY”  We should think about Joselle today.


LIDDY:  And only good thoughts.

               (pause; ELEANOR has to consider this for a few moments, then…)

ELEANOR:  She was a beautiful woman.

LIDDY:  Yes she was.

ELEANOR:  Of all our friends, she was the most beautiful.

LIDDY:  Without question.

ELEANOR:  Wonderful taste in clothes.

LIDDY:  Impeccable taste in clothes. The best. Always knew how to dress. Set the standard.


ELEANOR:  I wonder who she left all those clothes to?

LIDDY:  No idea.

ELEANOR:  She only has the one daughter. Monica.

LIDDY:  Monica doesn’t even like dresses.

ELEANOR:  All these years, I’ve never seen her in one. Oh, how Joselle used to complain about that.

LIDDY:  That’s true. It wouldn’t surprise me if Monica showed up today, wearing pants.

ELEANOR:  So Monica doesn’t want the dresses.  (pauses)  Did she have any nieces?

LIDDY:  I think I met a couple of them once.

ELEANOR:  Are they her size?

LIDDY:  I don’t remember.

ELEANOR:  Mmm. All those closets. Full of those exquisite clothes.

LIDDY:  When it came to clothes, she spent like the Queen of France.

ELEANOR:  Now all those dresses are just hanging there. Going to waste.

LIDDY:  Maybe Henry will give them away.

ELEANOR:  To who? A thrift shop?

LIDDY:  Probably.

ELEANOR:  Oh! If those clothes don’t go to someone who appreciates them, it’s like…

LIDDY:  What?

ELEANOR:  It would be like she died in vain.

LIDDY:  I didn’t think she died for anybody’s sins, Eleanor.

ELEANOR:  All I’m saying is, it wouldn’t be right.

LIDDY:  Well. You are about her size.

ELEANOR:  It’s true. I mean, I would need to lose a couple of pounds, sure. But…

LIDDY:  It would seem something of a waste.

ELEANOR:  Exactly. I mean, it wasn’t something I could bring up while she was on her deathbed.


ELEANOR:  “Could I have that black Versace after you’re gone?”

LIDDY:  A horrid thing to ask.

ELEANOR:  Terrible manners. Wouldn’t have dreamed of it.


ELEANOR: But we were awfully close, she and I.

LIDDY:  You two had made up? After the big tiff?

ELEANOR:  The bridge game? Oh, certainly. We patched things up a long time ago. You know that.

LIDDY:  In that situation, you should never bid no trump.

ELEANOR:  Oh fiddle. It was just cards.

LIDDY:  She took her cards seriously.

ELEANOR:  Too seriously. It’s probably what gave her the…oh, that’s a terrible thing to say. I’m sorry.

LIDDY:  Only think good thoughts about Joselle today.

ELEANOR:  Absolutely.

LIDDY:  And Henry.

ELEANOR:  I always have good thoughts about Henry.  (pauses)  What if we took some food over to him afterwards?

LIDDY:  I don’t think he’s doing that.

ELEANOR:  It’s traditional.

LIDDY:  On the Upper East Side?

ELEANOR:  Of course.

LIDDY:  Taking over food after a funeral seems so…Grand Rapids.

ELEANOR:  I know people who have done it.

LIDDY:  In our neighborhood?

ELEANOR:  Yes, in our neighborhood.

LIDDY:  You mean to tell me, at Fifth Avenue and 86th, after a funeral, people bring over little Tupperware dishes
filled with meatloaf?

ELEANOR:  I didn’t say anything about meatloaf. We’ll order something from Dean and DeLuca’s. Haven’t you done this

LIDDY:  I’ve been very lucky. Very few deaths in my family.  A few who should have gone, but they just keep
hanging around.  (pauses)  If there’s a get together after, I’m sure Henry will have it catered.

ELEANOR:  Of course he will.  (pauses)  Is there a get together? After?

LIDDY:  I haven’t heard.

ELEANOR:  Were we invited?

LIDDY:  We’ll ask around.

ELEANOR:  We weren’t invited?

LIDDY:  I don’t know, Eleanor.

ELEANOR:  That’s some nerve. Not to invite us.

LIDDY:  I don’t know if we weren’t invited.

ELEANOR:  We’re among her oldest friends.

LIDDY:  It wouldn’t seem right if we were left out of a gathering, no.

ELEANOR:  No, no, no. If there is a “do” after, I will see to it that Henry invites us. End of story.

LIDDY:  Good.

ELEANOR:  It will give me a good reason to speak to him. Like I need a good reason. He should be comforted.

LIDDY:  And you’re just the girl for the job?

ELEANOR:  Maybe.

LIDDY:  He won’t be alone long. Not with all those millions.

ELEANOR:  You’re so cynical sometimes.

LIDDY:  I’m cynical all the time.

ELEANOR: It’s not Henry’s money that makes him attractive.

LIDDY:  It doesn’t hurt.

ELEANOR:  No, it doesn’t hurt. But it’s the way he carries himself.  He has such an air of distinction. And I know Henry.
He’s got far too much class to…

LIDDY:  To what?

ELEANOR:  To take up with someone unsuitable.

LIDDY:  Who would you consider unsuitable?

ELEANOR:  Any woman under fifty.

LIDDY:  That would narrow down the field a bit.

ELEANOR:  Yes, it would.

LIDDY:  And to certain people’s advantage.

ELEANOR:  One can only hope. He’s got far too much class to take up with some trollop. Some tart. Some twinkie
in a tight blouse. That’s just not him.

LIDDY:  I wouldn’t get my hopes up too high about Henry, dear.

ELEANOR:  You know something?

LIDDY:  I know he’s a man. And he’s going to be very popular.  Look around the room. Over there is Bonnie. In a red
dress. Who wears red to a funeral?

ELEANOR:  Did she have to dress like a slut today? It’s not even noon yet.

LIDDY:  She has no breeding.

ELEANOR:  She just puts herself out there like a common street walker. Ever since the breast surgery. Nothing but low cut dresses.

LIDDY:  She’s trying much too hard.

ELEANOR:  It’s pathetic really. It is, and I don’t use this word lightly, it is tacky.

LIDDY:  Exactly.

ELEANOR:  Like she is the only woman who ever had breast enhancement.

LIDDY:  On the Upper East Side?

ELEANOR:  Who is she kidding?  Henry would never go for someone like her.

LIDDY:  Ssshhhh.

ELEANOR:  Don’t ssshhhh me.  When does this thing start?